Sunday, 27 May 2012

There's a time to come..and a time to leave

Today I decided to begin my life. I decided to step away from what I thought was my place of sanctuary and move on. It turns out it hasn't been my sanctuary for quite a while. As Marta says in Company: "There's a time to come to New York, and there's a time to leave". Well I've decided its time to leave MTSoc.
When I started university I wanted to have a completely fresh start- shed the years of bullying and loneliness and become a new person. I found the Musical Theatre Society and knew I was home. These were people like me- they weren't like everyone else at Imperial and needed an outlet.  I was apprehensive that would be divas and premadonnas but they weren't. In those days we didn't appreciate divas which was refreshing. I was amazed to be cast in the lead and t seemed that people really did want me around. The love I felt was all encompassing, especially from Seb, Alex and Dale - my new family and director from the show.
For the next couple of years, no matter how shit my course got I knew that I could leave the labs and lectures and go and see my friends at rehearsal. We shared the same interests, we bitched about the same things and, more importantly, we cared about each other. I finally felt accepted.
Come my final year of Uni, I was Vice Chair, in demand as a costume designer, got the part I wanted and was doing a show I love. Those people got me through a really tough year- I had been diagnosed with depression and MTSoc gave me escapism from my own mind. that year we did Hair and enjoyed a blissful summer of love. I was leaving university with great memories and the hope that I would be welcomed back after uni. 
I came back to costume another show after being requested to do it. Maybe there was still a place for me. I felt that society was in good hands that would continue the friendly and warm welcome I had received as a fresher.
This year I decided to be in the show which was still a nice experience but I didn't feel the same friendly atmosphere I had worked hard to build up. Today I made up my mind- I need to move on. i feel like maybe I'm a hindrance and people don't appreciate me around. I know I can be grumpy and moody at times, I never intend to be that way but strangely being a recovering depressive can make you that way sometimes. And yes, maybe I take things the wrong way. I've always found it difficult ot make friends and years of bullying at school has left me constantly seeking acceptance- something  I used to have at MTSoc. Now I'm beginning to feel like the odd one out. I always assumed I had a couple of years before I was too old for the society. Perhaps I've grown up faster than I thought or was at the end of an MTSoc era- a left over.
So I've decided. I'm moving on. I can't kid myself I'm a student any more. I'm going to have to go through the whole process of making friends again and I'm scared. I'd always planned to move back to London to be closer to my friends. The question is will I have any friends left when I get there?

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